Zest
Late nights, early mornings
Sometimes in between
Sun shining on paper
Heating my fingertips
Energy passing
Head to heart to hands
Sun through ozone through window to hands
The dog snores
Slow, lazy breaths
A quiet melody plays
Lulling my mind into tranquility
The timer counts down
Ensuring freedom from thought in
3, 2, 1
Rainbows
Reaching or protecting
Grasping at straws
While hiding myself
My soul is a rainbow
When all I can show is blue
The indigo and denim pouring from my skin
Puddling in the ground below me
Your brightness soaks up my dampness
Turning my evaporative parts into reflections
Finally showing my rainbow to all
Untitled
How do you feel, they say, not how do you think
But what happens when your thoughts are your feelings
When your deepest urges, secretly only skin deep,
Back up in your brain
Threatening to overflow
flooding all senses
Like a tsunami crashing over the tallest building
All while I stand helpless
Envisioning only the destruction and death left in its aftermath
How do you feel when the words have been beaten out of you
Bruised and aching
They escape only in the quietest of whispers
Only in the safety of the darkest night
When the conditions are right and only the tiniest sliver of the moon will hear
Untitled
The clouds roll in
And hover ominously above
Their heaviness threatening to break you
Your soul demolished by the impending rain
The lightning striking you to your core
The thunder leaves you quaking
The darkness seems unrelenting
Swallowing everything in sight
But peaking through the turbulent sky
Is always a golden ray
Reaching its embrace to warm your heart
Reminding you that tomorrow
The raindrops will glisten on newly formed leaves
As the sun’s lightness wins this battle
And envelopes you in its loving cocoon
One day I woke up and realized you were me
before you chose to turn off your lights
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I snuffed out my light too
The smoke floating in the air
The remnants clinging to my skin
Begging for a second chance
But my light is unwavering
Barely flickering in the strongest of hurricanes
Not to be subdued by the
Hate
Pain
Inattention
Or Abuse
I will burn bright
For the four of us that you sacrificed
For the hope of a love that may never come
For the hope of a love that never existed
Who am I to say what growth looks like
Is it limited to my waist
And that I can’t wear the jeans I wore yesterday
Is it limited to my dreams
Where I used to think of growing old
And now I dream of joy
Is it limited to what others see
When I act the same as the old me
Instead of performing the acts I want to be
Is it limited to my words
When the old scripts escape from my tongue
While this new language runs circles in my mind
Is it my ability to forgive
When I can’t ever seem to forget
The images of pain on a loop in mind
Or is it the craving for something new
Something better than what I believe I can give
Something I fear is better than I can be
Kintsugi
My strength lies in my cracks
I have been mended
With gold and lacquer
My imperfections make me beautiful
I wish you could see
That you’re beautiful too
Untitled
The summer is ending
The light rising late
The heat of the day
no longer a match for my steaming coffee
Untitled
Who am I to say what growth looks like
Is it limited to my waist
And that I can’t wear the jeans I wore yesterday
Is it limited to my dreams
Where I used to think of growing old
And now I dream of joy
Is it limited to what others see
When I act the same as the old me
Instead of performing the acts I want to be
Is it limited to my words
When the old scripts escape from my tongue
While this new language runs circles in my mind
Is it my ability to forgive
When I can’t ever seem to forget
The images of pain on a loop in mind
Or is it the craving for something new
Something better than what I believe I can give
Something I fear is better than I can be
A relationship in 10 parts
I
You’re filling a void
That’s one way to put it
Filling the void of the wasted time
That I’ve invested in partners
That didn’t care
Couldnt care
Wouldn’t care
You’re always on to the next
You’re always on the hunt
I’m hunting for my one
The one I missed when I was distracted
Distracted by my trauma
By the shiny object
The person I thought I should want
Two time divorcee seeking
Open-minded partner
Who isn’t afraid to grow and love
Together
II
You’ll only last 2 weeks to 2 months
Give or take a few days
You’ll start off saying how fun it all is
How much I make you happy
How many things you want to do with me
How being with me is easy.
In 2 weeks to 2 months you’ll start hiding me away
Asking for nights in
My body writhing in ecstasy
My mind convulsing in boredom
My heart whimpering with regret
In 2 weeks to 2 months you’ll claim I’m too much to handle
I behave too wildly
My words need filtering
I dress too crazy
I’m too available
I’m too much fun
I’m too too too
When will I become “regular girlfriend”
In 2 weeks to 2 months I’ll disappear
Searching for the next one
The one who says they see me
The one who loves me the way I need it
The one who tries
At least for a few days
III
Every time the ding goes
My heart flutters
Hoping it’s you
I check every 5 minutes
Just for a word
Those three undulating dots
Giving me hope for the future
IV
You cover my mouth
Your eyes boring into mine
Your body writhing against me
As you prick me
Pain and pleasure resound
As you burrow deeper with each thrust
You’ve taken up residence
When I’ve been fiercely foreclosed
My heart explodes
Through your clamped hand that silences
The only word that glimmers in my mind
Born of my native tongue
Saranghae
V
I hate the
Anxiety-inducing moments
Of asking you
To meet me
When I don’t even know
If you’ll even respond
My heart races
Moving my entire body with its beat
My hands get sweaty
My finger hovers
Wondering
Are you worth it
VI
It’s been one too many times
That you’ve made me cry
Blaming me for your actions
Changing the reality
Into a story of your own making
It’s been one too many times
That you haven’t said you’re sorry
The unspoken expectations
Of me forgiving
When I can’t even begin to forget
It’s been one too many times
That you’ve left me hanging
Begging for your love
That you just don’t care to give
VII
In the middle of the night
That’s when I miss you most
Your steady breathing
Your arms tight around me
As I drown you in a pool of my love
Scratch that
First thing in the morning
That’s when I miss you most
When the shower feels so empty
And the excess coffee grows cold
My lips dreaming of your gentle wake up kisses
Scratch that
7pm
That’s when I miss you most
As I cling to my phone
Begging it for your call to come through asking
“Are you ready”
I’ll always be ready for you
VIII
I cried today
When I stirred your honey into my coffee
Knowing it will be gone soon;
When I reached for my phone
Craving your voice that has gone silent;
When I cooked the meat
Over that steaming central grill
Thinking of the laughing we did together;
When I picked up the book
We chose for us to grow together
Dreaming of a future that may never be;
When I lay my head on the pillow
On the side of the bed that you claimed
And your arms weren’t there to hold me
IX
Memorandum of understanding
Yesterday when I said good bye
I didn’t mean tata for now
I meant good bye forever
I meant I’m tired of catering to your needs
While my own are disregarded
I’m tired of being judged for decisions
That I will always stand by
That I’m just tired.
Somewhere between dialing your number
And saying goodbye
I realized your rules don’t work for me
That I’m always going to be judged
For my actions
Always going to be judged for my emotions
That I’m just judged
Sometime between my scrambling to explain
And you saying talk to you later
I learned
I want someone who loves what I stand for
I want someone who loves what I have worked for
I want someone who loves
Yesterday when you said
Talk to you later
I cringed
Because now I’m not saying later
Now I’m saying never
X
Yesterday, I learned how to love another
I learned of sacrifice
How to give
When my well was dry
How to dream for you
When your dreams disappeared
Into the ether
Turning your soul from hot joyful white
Radiating
Stimulating my mind
To frigid black
Shooting icicles into my still beating heart
Dimming my own dreams into nothingness
Today, I learned how to love myself
I learned of selfishness
How to stand firm
In the face of your tornado
How to turn inward
When all I think I need is lost
Encasing my bleeding heart in a steel box
Shielding
Thinking before feeling
Shriveling this hope into a prune
Drying my tears to a dusty desert
Thirsting for another again
Yesterday, I learned to love another.
Today, I learned to love myself.
Tomorrow, I will learn to love again
Sijo
